Afternoon Nap

When I was a small child, I hated taking naps. It was torturous for me to lie still during the day no matter how tired I was. My mother used to take a nap with me and she would wrap her arms around me in an immovable grip to keep me still. No matter how much I squirmed and wiggled, I could not break free and eventually I would give up and fall asleep. We would repeat this routine daily and, even though I knew what the outcome would be, I always tried to escape being still. Now that I am older, I wish I would have appreciated those moments with my mom. I wish I would have taken advantage of the naps then for they are rare now!

And yet, I am still struggling against the loving arms which encourage me to be still. True, they are a different form these days. It is my Father, rather than my mother, who embraces me now. Still for my good, still for the purpose of rest and renewal and precious time together. I still know the outcome too. I know that eventually I will come to the point where it is impossible for me to ignore the desolation which my absence from Him has invited into my life. Eventually I must face the exhaustion which restlessness has caused. Eventually I must acknowledge the lonely, unsatisfied, conflicted state of my heart. It is in this moment that my fight to do things my way ceases and I fall asleep in my Father's arms.

My life relies on those patient arms. The ones that hold me daily while I put up my futile fight to hold on to my agenda. I don't deserve His enduring consistency. My distracted heart is not a fitting response to His faithful one. Just as with my mother, I expect that one day I will understand what I lost in those opportunities to rest in His embrace. But, beautifully, these opportunities are unending by the reality of His grace. He is teaching me that His arms are ever open, His heart the same.

My Psalm

Forgive my rebelling will, O my Lord
Forgive my shrinking heart and trembling hand
as I hold out my hopes and lay out my desire.

For not as I will
not as I will
That I may see and know what You would do!

Remind me, my Lord, of my identity
I am clay in Your hands, I will yield to Your touch
and be defined only by Your desire.

Remind me, my Lord, of my identity
that I am Yours
I surrender myself in my entirety
to the burning jealousy of Your love.

Only You may take residence
in the depths of my being
And I will wait on You
to teach me the desires of my heart.

None other may take hold
for I am all Yours
and the yearnings of my soul
will echo the call of Your voice.

I have been dashed on the rocks
and wounded by the fall
but I will rise and claim again
the promises You have sealed on me.

Hem me in and set the boundary lines,
enclose me with panels of cedar.
Encapsulate my heart with Yourself.

I have walked the line
between doing what I want and what I should
Now I let go of both
I step off the battlefield and into Your court.

Only in Your presence can I see clearly
Only here can I surrender the wants of my humanity
I want to surrender - I have become fond of that place
There I find intimacy with You.

Nothing on earth can compare
to the overwhelming beauty of Your countenance.
Your ferocious love undoes me
and I simply am.

I cannot live apart from You
I have tried, and nearly lost my life
I refuse to let go again
so I must release all else.

Forgiveness

Who am I to accuse anyone? Who am I to lay blame, to require recompense?

I am guilty of being that wicked servant in Jesus' parable of forgiveness. After the King has been surpassingly gracious in forgiving my impossible debt, I run out from His presence and demand that another person who owes me only a tiny amount make payment immediately or be thrown in jail.

How much mercy I accept, and how little I bestow.

I desire to relinquish all of my debt collecting responsibilities. I desire that my response would automatically be: "You owe me nothing. I am simply blessed by any good you bring to my life. Any bad you bring to my life is not my concern to deal with."

As far as I'm concerned, if you have wronged me, you are forgiven.

Culture of the Cross

I forsake all I have learned,
lay aside all knowledge gained.
Remove all ties that bind,
release the cloak of self.
Abandon assumptions made,
desert identity's ties.
Unravel the woven threads
that I may be remade.

Bare I come to learn anew,
assess me with Your gaze.
You see the cracks and tears in me,
Your dark yet lovely one.
Compassion in Your eyes,
You study the result
of my fight for earth's approval
while I also seek Your voice.

I will tolerate no more
of this duplicity I embrace.
I know there is a sweeter song,
one I yearn to sing.
Demand from my restless heart
the loyalty You require.
Be relentless in Your call,
awaken my dormant fervor.

Undo that which culture has formed,
that which social acceptability has created.
Rework the hardened clay,
loosen the rigid places.
Mold and shape me 'til I yield,
until I utterly surrender.

Refocus my eyes, my thoughts,
until I perceive the unseen.
Help me to comprehend real value,
lead me to embrace the cost.
Teach me what it truly means
to live the culture of the cross.

Then and Now

Emptiness is my name
without You.
A bitter void,
a nothingness like nothing else.
Not even loneliness,
not even pain,
not even yearning.
Nothing
Empty

Alone is my name
without You.
Utter solitude
regardless of who's nearby.
I know no friendship,
no deep intimacy,
no true relationship.
No community
Alone

Death is my name
without You.
Death in the way that
it is not life.
I live, but incompletely.
I breathe, but not the air I need.
Without You, I am surrendered to
the defeated enemy of my Lord
Death


I wrote those words more than a year ago and just discovered it in a prayer journal this morning. To this I now add:

Redeemed is my name
in Your presence.
A spring bursting forth,
Restored and refreshed and renewed.
Not even loneliness,
not even pain,
not even yearning
can take me from You.
Redeemed

Thoughts

My musings earlier tonight:
I'm tired of living an insignificant life. I want to be a part of something life-changing. Maybe I should track down a faith healer and follow them around until I immerse myself in the supernatural on a daily basis....Okay maybe not, but if I could live supernaturally in any way, what life purpose would I desire most?

Love. I want to learn to love. I want to find someone who knows how to really really love and learn from them, walk around with them, listen to them, and mimic them. Until I understand. Until I can walk that way too, talk that way too.

Yes! This is what I want! If I could pick a person to follow based on something that they could do, it would be love. For I do not love well. My love is selfish and short-sighted, impatient and inconstant. So this is what I want. Where should I look for such a person?

To this God replies, "My Son"

Come, Let Us Revisit the Cross

Come, my friends, let us revisit the cross. Whether it has been mere hours since you last sat on this grassy hill, or whether it has been years, come with me.

Who can fathom the freedom of this place? The extremity of emotion is more potent here than anywhere I have ever known. The beautiful, terrible love scours away every chain and shackle I have so willingly accepted. It hints at a reality which is beyond my current perception. A realm governed by sacrifice, submission, and servant-hood  May I, like King David, dare to be foolish in terms of my current perception, and, like him, say that I will become even more undignified than this! May I love extravagantly, as I have been extravagantly loved.

How often and how easily I forget how my Life Source willingly poured out His life in humility and meekness. Because He loved. Not because it would make sense to the current realm, not because it was what He deserved, but because the foolishness of man is the wisdom of God and His agony held the key to freeing His broken beloved from hers.

How quick I am to leave this hill of surrender, of full abandon, of painful love. I rush off to do something "productive" with my life, to meet expectations, to maintain an identity of a "successful" adult, to follow the rules. How eager I am to reclaim the shackles which I need not wear any longer. But as I tread along the path of His tears and I gaze upon His broken body, all else fades. I am convinced in these moments that I can add nothing to His sufficiency, all my striving is as dust, all my frantic pursuits are a chasing after wind.

So I will sit on this hill. And I invite you to join me. Come, friends, let us sit together and lift our faces to the torrent of mercy and acceptance and breathtaking love that resides in this place.

Uncharted Territory

This is uncharted territory. I have never felt less equipped or less prepared. When I was young, I knew what it looked like to be a good daughter, a big sister. And even if I didn't always succeed, I knew what I should be. When I was a young adult, I knew what it meant to be a good student and a good leader for the younger generation. When I was an adult, I thought I knew what I was supposed to do to be a good wife; I knew what was expected of a good employee. Now? Unknown.

What do you do when it all falls apart? What are the steps to surviving the loss of your deepest hope? Who can teach you how to fall in the arms of Jesus? Who has instructions for the day to day after that which is precious has gone?

Now in the absence of security, I realize how flimsy and fleeting my security was. The rules which have defined me are crumbling, and now I sit in the void and listen. I realize I am listening for a to-do list, the safety of knowing in advance what is expected of me. How eager I am to replace the old rules with new ones. But what if that isn't the intention of the One who desires to lay my path? What if it would please Him to close my eyes and lead me by the hand? What if He desires that I would trust? What if this isn't about me knowing what to do? Uncharted.

So I wait for You. Today, Lord, what would you desire today?

Sit here with Me child. Know Me.

How? What are the steps? What is the formula to knowing You?

Be still.